I had a great reaction to the Letter A post and thanks for all the input, it seems the Auger brought out many responses and most similar to those with which I described. I am not a professional farmer by any means so my blog is light-hearted and I hope will bring many a laugh, if I offend (don’t read me)
“Warning this blog contains words that may offend and make your ears bleed (if you could hear it) and make you laugh out loud. That can’t be helped as it would mean you would have worked out the word and the code associated with it or can envisage the action”
Today is brought to you by the Letter B
At every farm door they are there, they stand waiting for the opportunity to be tripped over, they can be covered in mud, all different sorts of pooh, dog, sheep & cattle but are the backbone of farming life. They stay where they are left, be it at the back door or the front door, it is custom that they are removed from feet when entering farm houses to save the farmers wives from continually having to clean and wash the floors.
They are the boots of the workers and people who reside within the dwelling, and I can guarantee you no matter which door you take your boots off at they will be at the wrong door when you need to put them on again to go outside. There is no organization of these boots and you can guarantee that you will at some stage trip over them, kick them out-of-the-way in frustration and anger and the trick is to ensure you empty them out before you put you foot into them. They become home to millipedes, the odd mouse, moths, beetles, bugs and anything else that may climb in there to get away from cats or light.
They have been known to have been kicked and sworn at in the same motion. They are bastards amongst other things. the trouble with kicking them away is that at some point they need to be retrieved, to be worn. The farmer here loves to occasionally clean them or rub them down with beef fat (think the fat from vertical and grills. Yes it puts a shine on them but as soon as the dogs smell them they lick them (yuck) He also puts beeswax on them should we have some in the house.
.At times in the country getting contractors in is a necessity, as farming machinery is so expensive unless you are using it for more than 2 months of the year it is an asset parked in a building lying idle. Getting contractors in to do work is important as it helps to continue the daily running of the farm, most of the time they are friends and neighbours which can be a little difficult. (Please take this all in jest as we appreciate what you do – just not having to pay for it )
One of the necessary items that a farm can require is a baler (we do not have one of these) we get contractors in to do this work, It is a skill raking and bailing hay and is environmentally controlled – too hot and it can catch fire so they stop, too cold and once baled with too much moisture the bale can spontaneously erupt. Think about some of those hay shed fires that appear randomly in the news it may have been incorrect baling of hay that may have caused it. This is a machine that rakes and collects the hay and strings it up in either round or square bales which will get fed out to the animals when feed is less on the ground. This could have belonged to yesterdays blog when for when the bill arrives for this there can be the word a**hole bastards or worse. (yes, you knew it was coming).
Despite the fact that all the working black / tan dogs on the farm are bitches, they have been called Bastards, loudly and often, most times when they are working and get over enthusiastic and won’t “SIT DOWN, GET OVER, COME HERE, GET UP HERE” (all said in capitals as he is yelling), it is here they become a bunch of bastards.
Black Angus cattle is what we produce here, they are beautiful animals for sure and with the limited amount of people who come here our ‘beasts’ (what else do you call a 500Kilo + animal? ) are fairly quiet. I sometimes look at him when we are together doing ‘jobs’ there are lots of items and movement that need the encouragement of the B word. “COME ON YOU BASTARD” is commonplace when “we” can’t start engines, when “we” can’t dislodge items from equipment, when “we” are demonstrating how to get out of being bogged by deliberately getting bogged and then one gets bogged and realizes they do not have the equipment on the Ute they need to use to show you how to get out and to get themselves out. Oh the irony, here and one must remember not to change facial features (smile or laugh) for fear of the death stare or worse being sworn at.
One of my first trips out with him to see the property he stated “I shouldn’t drive through here as I always get bogged” I said “well don’t then” to which he did and by the time he finished trying to get out of it the mud was up to the foot guard of the Ute, it took over an hour to get me out as he left me in said vehicle with the dogs and walked back to the property approx. 5 km’s get a tractor and pull us out, this has not been an isolated incident.
One of the other things farmers do is going to clearing sales where they purchase other people’s goods. “We” like to buy books on farming amongst other things, now these items are things that are not wanted by other farmers who are moving off properties yet they seem to find their way in my home, we have a bookshelf of books that can be “thrown away” except for the farming books – note to self – that is all that is in the bookshelf.
Sometimes I feel this farming game may be the bloody death of me or at the least lack of expansion of my vocabulary. Please feel free to add any farm implement starting with B that gets the farmers blood boiling. One of the necessary B items the farm has on hand is booze and after some days you can’t drink enough to be rid of the sights and sounds of the country.